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A Crossdressers Secret Garden

I am a gg wife, and I am a member of several wife-only groups of trans husbands, some cd'r's, some ts's, and in MANY cases where THE WIFE/GF "outs" the husband/bf "involuntarily", i.e., by finding his "stash", or, by seeing his internet history, or, by finding her own garments stretched or soiled, or, by intercepting a retail shipment of some sort, the husband/bf/cd'r does NOT want to talk about it, and is ANGRY about her "snooping", etc, furious, often. So I would think of this from a different angle, the reason why these guys do not want "to talk" is because THEY did not "choose" the time and place.

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Well... I brought up this subject to my spouse, by saying,  "some of the TG-Christian group are wondering about talking to their spouse. What is your take on it?"

This is her take on this particular subject, as best as I can recall, from her statements less than 1 hour ago. These are my 'near quotes' of her words with my thoughts [in brackets]:

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- Of course the husband needs to talk to the wife about being TG or TS. She is his "helpmate". So, she is there for the husband -- not the 'accountability partner', the accountability partner is not his 'helpmate'. She is.

- She will be angry. She will feel betrayed. She will be emotional. So what!?! He is denying his wife her rightful place.

- To the wife, it is about "forgiveness". She must learn to forgive like Christ forgave her. There is no choice about her learning to forgive. Does God forgive us because we are good? or doing better? or make promises? does He give us 'tough love' and 'boundaries'? Of course not. The wife needs to forgive, and give respect and submission to her husband.

- She needs to find a pastor that will give them both advice about keeping the marriage together, and not this bad advice about divorce, about 'marriage vows broken', or about contracts being broken. She needs to learn to forgive. The pastor needs to advise her on how to forgive. You get no opportunity for divorce in the scripture -- none.

- Of course there are consequences for her actions (of unforgiveness). There are consequences for his actions. There are always consequences. She needs to forgive. I realize that not every wife can forgive, and so, there might have to be some compromises to schedules... or dressing...but divorce is never an option. Counseling is needed, not divorce.

- The counselor should base the advice on the scripture. No, none of this 'lots of psychology with some verses tossed in on top.' Where are the Christian counselors that will use the Word to help the wife forgive, respect, and submit? hey, the scriptures (on roles) aren't going away just because he wears a skirt.

[I, asked her about the medical and science information available about being TS, since her emphasis on forgiveness seemed to imply that the TS had wronged the wife by "choosing" to be TS. I asked her if TS was different than TG for forgiveness. Here is her reply:]

- So what? The wife is hurt. She's angry. She can't even process the science information until she has forgiven him (the TS or TG). For that matter, I am still upset over my expectations being denied in this marriage [to you], so to be honest, I still don't hear the science end of it. I forgive.

[From this, it seemed that Bon holds to forgiveness being key to the wife of anyone anywhere on the spectrum.]

- I really think that the scripture is good: born, made that way by men, and choice. The TS needs to clear up the damage done to them by others, and to control their choices as best they can, then what is left is what is left. And maybe the freight train will stop; and maybe it won't. But the TS that doesn't learn to forgive and be healed, will just get the surgery and be messed up and disappointed. [We use the term 'freight train' to describe the sense of incongruity.]
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I married my hubby knowing that he dressed and that it would not stop. One of the first things that he had to agree to was that we would talk to each other. We have been together off and on for 30 years. Part of the reason we couldn't stay together was he refusal to talk about ANYTHING. I thought that if he could actually talk to me about the dressing and feelings that go along with it we could talk about anything. It took us almost 2 years to get to that point. There are still days I have to "pry it out of him", but he does try. I think the more he finds out that he is not going to be rejected or made fun of the more confident he feels about talking. His ex-wife used it to belittle him and destroyed most of his self esteem by repeatedly blackmailing him by threatening to "tell" on him. After one of her fits I offered her my parents phone number to tell them first we have heard basically nothing from her. Woman that behave like her give the rest o us a bad name!!!!!!!!

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While reading mail from my group, I came across your note. I am a wife of a cder. I have only known for 6 weeks. I agree with the fact that there are a lot of men who do not talk to their spouses. My situation is that we have been married for 20yrs, and he claims he just recently (past year) knew he was a cder. I felt something was up and basically caught him and found out more than i needed to know. My first instinct was anger, for the simple fact that he lied for so long. I told him he had to come clean with everything or else. I sat there and listened to what he had to say (without passing judgment on him or how he felt) and then i started asking questions about what he felt like and questions about what he had been going through. He kept looking at me as though he were waiting for me to make fun of him. I made him aware that i wanted to know more about this to help him, and he seemed so much more relaxed with me. I think maybe a lot of men fear that they will be made fun of or they wont be accepted for something they cant control. If we tell them we love them for who they are on the inside and not what they wear, they would feel a little more at ease and maybe even less likely to lie or be so angry. I know I am a little long winded, but its just my two cents worth.

Last modified: 12/24/13