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He's out of the closet, but what about you?

I understand your wanting to talk to others who are "just finding out" like you are. But bear in mind, if you donít have the answers you are looking for, they probably won't either. They are in the same boat as you are! But maybe some of us "old-timers," who still remember so vividly what we went through at your stage, can make the journey a little easier.

1. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! He openly says he's done it for years...were you there all those years??? You have done nothing WRONG. 

2. He is one of MANY males who find gratification in female attire. Some as fetish objects to be fondled. Others in wearing the attire. But there are a great many out there...and each for a slightly different reason. Unfortunately, there is no "one size fits all" answer to who? when? why? 

3. He still loves you and YOUR sexuality. That is part of what "turns him on." If that were not the case, he would have gone looking for some ONE else. He didn't. Instead he chooses to be with you. I remember thinking early on that it might have been easier to compete with another woman than with this behavior. Believe me, IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN. Because he still loves you, not someone else. (Note aside: CDing males are much less likely to have affairs outside marriage than the average male. There are lots of reasons for this, but for now, just believe it.) 

4. And this I will just briefly touch on, as maybe I am the only one who felt this way. It hurt my feelings that HE chose another outlet for "sex" when I was always willing and never turned him away. It was never OUR choice that he relieve himself that way. It was HIS choice. I was never considered. That hurt the most. 

5. That which you call "deceit" was really a compliment to you and your relationship. He didn't tell you his "deep dark secret" until he felt that the two of you were secure enough to handle it and you loved him enough to accept him. To accept a part of him that he has been living with a very long time, and has always been concerned with keeping his "deep dark secret" just that.

I will be honest with you. There are still times after 30 years that I find myself having "self-doubts." And, I know for a fact, that SO DOES HE! (He being my husband, and probably yours, too.) But if you open up to learning what he does, why he does, and how he does (and remember, he won't have the answers to all those things himself), you have a huge opportunity to create an environment within your marriage that is ACCEPTING of each other...you for him AND him for you, LOVING beyond your furthest imagination, and with a TRUST and LOYALTY others will envy. 

A special BIG hug for you! 

Carol Leigh

Last modified: 12/24/13