YOU MIGHT BE A VANITY GIRL IF
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YOU MIGHT BE A VANITY GIRL IF


1. If you carry a tape measure to check skirt waist sizes on store racks...
2. If guys are checking out your ass when you walk.
3. You have an irresistible urge to help women with their makeup...so that it looks better.
4. Building up your chest means buying a push-up bra.
5. If you think you might still have your makeup on 3 days later.
6. If your wife comes to you for make-up tips.
7. If you order your drinks with "that cute little umbrella"...
8. If it makes you feel good to know that the red tie your wearing to work matches your toenails...
9. If you see a woman in a catalog wearing something in your favorite color, and your first comment is "I would look better in that than she does".
10. If, when your life insurance agent tells you that this year they require a physical you consider changing companies.
11. If the "cuffs" don't match the "collar," and you don't care.
12. If no one can tell from the hair on your head what your natural hair color is.
13. If you can accurately tell your girlfriend the last time she shaved.
14. If your wife starts telling you that you take "a long time" in the bathroom. 
15. If you start calling "the boys" "the girls". 
16. If you realize that you make a "better looking girl than".
17. If you shave your head to get "the best fit".
18. If you shave your legs more often than your face.
19. If you thought the "Hair Club for Men" was a TG shop.
20. If your girlfriend's mom finds you more attractive than her own daughter and states "Who is this cute girl"!... 
21. If you delight in breezing through the lingerie section of a store, softly touching the pretty lacy slips on display.
22. If the phone operators at Victoria's Secret recognize your voice!
23. If your favorite quote is "for sure" or "gag me with a spoon".
24. If you can recite from memory (and experience) 40 different shades of red!
25. If your wife mentions the colors mauve, indigo, ecru, and fuchsia, and you know what the hell she is talking about.
26. If having buttons on the right side of your shirt confuses you.
27. If you have ever raised complaints at work about your co-worker Bob's bad habit of leaving the toilet seat up.
28. If you have ever referred to Boy George as the greatest musical genius of our time.
29. If during a softball game you have ever referred to a broken nail as a possible career ending injury.
30. If in a discussion with your buddies about Cindy Crawford the first comment you make is that she's a snappy dresser.
31. If you find Rita Rudner WAY funnier than the Three Stooges, and can really identify where she's coming from.
32. If you've never lived in a dessert or on a ski mount, but have still bought more than five tubes of cherry chap stick in a single year.
33. If in your adult life, you have ever seriously uttered the words, "Could you zip me up, please?" .
34. If you have ever protested that you should be allowed to make your drives from the red tees in golf.
35. If you have ever received a preferred customer card from Victoria's Secret.
36. If, while shopping, you have an overwhelming urge to turn around upon overhearing the phrase, "Excuse me Miss" .
37. If in a heat of passion, your wife has ever asked you to take off her bra, and you replied "I'm not wearing it right now" .
38. If you have ever visited a Hooters restaurant, and your dominating thought is "I wonder what I'd look like in orange" . 
39. If when buying a new sports car, your first concern is to check for a vanity mirror.
40. If during a viewing of "The Bird Cage" with a friend, you feel it absolutely necessary to point out more than five discrepancies with the plot.
41. If you find it difficult to describe your summer wardrobe without using the words pastels, florals, or cool prints.
42. If you have ever complained to your cable company for not having enough shopping channels.
43. If you have ever been asked by your wife to teach your son to shave, and you began by putting shaving cream anywhere on your body below you adam's apple.
44. If you have referred to your adam's apple as "One of God's cruelest jokes" .
45. If CK one, a fragrance for a man or a woman, actually makes a lot of sense to you.
46. If you have ever had a buddy visiting your house remark, "Wow, look at this picture. I can't get over how much your sister looks like you"
47. If in planning a second wedding, your biggest concern is whether you can wear white or not.
48. If you have ever altered your signature making '"i" the final letter in your first name.
49. If having to take off your socks in a public place is the bases of your reoccurring nightmare.
50. If you have ever asked a lingerie saleswoman where you can find the selection of size 38A bras.
51. If you still call Kip "Buffy" Wilson, Tom Hank's greatest acting performance.
52. If you subscribe to any magazine that regularly features Kathy Lee Gifford, Joan London, or Katie Curic as their cover girls.

Copyright Michelle Johnson 1997
Original List provided by Dian Van Horn


Last modified: 12/24/13