The T* View
Home Up


The Transgender View

A Crossdressers Secret Garden

I think this is a good idea. I've suffered from an intolerant wife and have become a silent individual in this area. Silence is golden to coin a phrase. Because of love for the wife and family I just burry these feelings and don't discuss them. My overall feeling on the subject is that it is her loss not to learn about the rest of me. That would be my first reaction.

A Crossdressers Secret Garden

That is an interesting thing but I outed myself to her. The reaction I got was the worst I could of imagined. She outed me to the bishop, a church sponsored physiologist whose take was based on church doctrine only, threatened to leave, take the kids, move to the other coast. After jumping through the hoops of church discipline, seeing a counselor who didn't quite see it the same as my wife, but worked under the guidance I provided that I needed to stop because I do have feelings for my wife and kids. Through the recent times she tests the waters by watching gay show on logo and the WE channel and asking opinion question. Or we'll be shopping and she'll comment about something as though I might like it. I did fall for it once which led back to the beginning of the stuff. So... am I silent... Yes.... Will I ever talk about it with her agian? Doubtful... At this point I don't have any trust that she cares about my feelings and trying to develop or work through them as
May be I just have a difficult situation and most GG are more understanding but I've been tarnished emotionally about the subjec... Anyway I don't mean to be a negative person but I thought you might want to see there was more to it that the surface coments from before.

Reply to above

Geeesh, Sounds like the outcome of the Rodney Carrington song "The Day My Wife Met My Girlfriend". I don't want to make lite of your situation but I do think it is important to separate the forest from the trees here. Sounds like to me what you are dealing with is a control issue. "My way or the Highway" so to speak "Play it my way or I'll take my little football and go home." If we give in to that thinking then we as much as admit that crossdressing
is a bad thing and it is wrong to do it. Not to mention the issues of being transgendered of transsexual if in fact those conditions are part of the equation.

Sometimes, as painful as it may be, one must on occasion stand up for ones values and their uniqueness an an individual. I wish I could say that I have these issues worked out with my wife. I don't. However, she does know that I love and care deeply about her, that I am not transitioning. And that I will never be "In your face" about these issues. She does know that I am transgendered and that is just the way I am, and....."I ain't gunna change". And I will not tolerate a power play to make me do so. Conversely I put no pressure on her to accept the way I am. But that's my style. I'm a sales & marketing executive. When working with a client I give them the pros and cons, lay out the facts, tell them what I think would be in their best interest, but let them make the decision.

Oh, on this "Telling the Bishop" thingie. I'm a Christian but I have found that the church does a poor to awful job of dealing with GLBT issues. Most church officials are ill equipped to understand what's going on much less provide counseling on the subject. They seem to always want to deal with it as a sin issue. Well it is also a sin to continually beg for money under false pretenses, too (giggle)

reply to reply

Well Your right in a lot of ways. There is a control issue and I know I can't really give you a full understanding of the dynamics of the situation but suffice it to say that there is an understanding. (or lack of) Some day I might push the issue a bit more but for now I'm content to let it be. I do have my moments too and being in touch with my fem personality I've decided to let the hostilities subside and let her know I'm not going anywhere. Her concern more than anything else would be her extended family passing judgments on her and that is where ( I think) the attitudes come from.

A Crossdressers Secret Garden 

This is an interesting topic.

On the one hand I am a shy introvert, and say little, but there are times I wish to talk you ear off. It is when I wanted to say something

I could never get a word in edgewise with my wife. Now that I have accepted who and what I am, and told my wife I am a CD and possibly a TS, she doesn't really talk any more, and I don't know how to start a topic.  

There is so much I would like to tell her, but haven't. I tried to lead her to information via two books "My Husband Betty" and "My Husband Wears my Clothes", in order to start a discussion, but she refused to read them. Now the issue is like an 800 pound gorilla, that no one wants to acknowledge. I would love to learn to talk, if I could do so without hurting her too much more.

A Crossdressers Secret Garden 
This is a common issue with couples and not just CD's. Men have a habit of getting close then pulling back for a time in some kind of cycle. I am sure it serves a purpose but I am not sure what.

We all know how secretive CD's are. Is this a learned behavior? Not wanting to disappoint your parents or what? I have not studied the premise but would agree with it.

I just found out a couple days ago my youngest son dressed as Malibu Barbie (complete with pink bell bottoms with big stars) for school on Halloween a few years ago. Some how he managed to get out of the house that way with out me seeing him. Now I find myself on both sides of the issue. Things just get curiouser and curiouser in the TG world.

A Crossdressers Secret Garden 

My problem is just the opposite. My wife will not talk to me about my cd'ing. Not only that she refuses to do any research or try to learn anything about this part of our lives. She says it's my problem not hers. Silence in my household actually keeps the peace not disrupts it.


I think that there are several things going on when an SO says "We need to talk".
1) This statement frequently precedes the SO wanting to tell her SO something that is often unpleasant or unflattering or her angry feelings, what she wants and knows that he doesn't, etc.

2) Most men are not very good or comfortable talking about feelings (or talking, period). Women have grown up "talking about things"; men have grown up "doing things".

3) Many men are not very good at expressing their feelings. They have learned that this is "dangerous", considered a sign of weakness or a feminine trait , may be used against them in their world.

4) Many men have learned the hard way that by expressing their feelings they have exposed themselves to ridicule, hostility, or worse. In other words, they do not feel as if they are in an environment in which it is save to express their true feelings (if they
even could).

5 Many CDs are so confused, feeling guilty, unknowing, unsure of what is really going on
that they are afraid to "talk about" it. It is my belief that if an SO "needs to talk", she must first make sure that the environment is one in which the man (CD) feels safe and thus is willing to "open up". The man needs to be re-assured that his feelings, desires, whatever, will be heard and discussed. not argued about or fought over; in other words, a real discussion/dialog, not another fight or yelling session.
I know that in my own case, I would not discuss or talk about CD things until my wife made it clear that she was not going to fight about CD issues but, that she really wanted to learn and understand more about me and my own CD issues, activities, desires, etc.
Then we were able to have very meaningful, intense, intimate discussions that were of a benefit to both of us. As a result we are both very much happier!

Reply to

Great points. It seems often to be the case that if an SO is on the disapproval side of acceptance, crossdressing isn't discussed as a matter of course. The SO is happier if she doesn't see or know about it, other than occasional absences by her man. If a transgendered person has a relationship with this sort of stalemate, he finds it dangerous to initiate conversation about transgender topics. On the other hand, when the SO initiates, it's often because she wants to discuss some issue about which she disapproves. After a couple times of this, he learns to instantly become defensive about ANY conversation about crossdressing, dooming any real conversation.

We have learned, often painfully that our nature cannot be changed. If it could most of us would have put transgendered issues out of lives before adulthood. Once we have come to terms with that and achieved what we consider a balance in our lives, we are reluctant to give ground on ANYTHING, because once we have achieved what we consider normalcy in our lives, who would want to return to that lonely, painful existence that many of us have lived through?

I have a friend whose legs were badly burned in an accident as a teen. Later, as a truck driver, he walked into a portable office at night, and his lit cigarette and a propane leak caused the building to explode around him, burning his chest and arms, though not as severely. He is so shy of fire now that he won't even enter a hot room--it reminds him of all those months spent in bandages.

True communication requires both participants to be flexible. If a conversation starts with a clear direction at the outset, parties of differing opinions rarely make any progress.

I don't have any suggestions for a solution to this. If I did, my family and I would be much happier.

CD TRIESS, We Need To Talk

LOL those are the 4 words I used when I came out to my Love.

I do my best to talk with her. I said with because I have seen so many talk at someone and they do not hear that. One thing I have found is I will have a hard time expressing some things. I have found a way for us that works. I write in my diary and she reads it there. I agreed to let her read my diary because I had nothing else to hide from her.

I am interested in seeing what else is said... Who knows I may learn something that is better and will help us more.


There was an interesting topic on the news today that my wife relayed to me about one on the possible reasons why women find it easier to talk that men is that it may be hormonal. A new study seemed to show that all of us, both men and women release a certain hormone when under stress. When this combines with estrogen, which women have in large supply and men not so much, it is alleviated through the emotional release of talking. How true it is I don't know but again it kinda takes some of the nurture vs. nature attitude into affect.
The point for me is that I have long realized that for my wife very often she needs to talk just to ease her stress, and I think we all know that we definitely add stress to their lives when we tell them about our crossdressing. I have had to learn that sometimes I have to let her vent on me, especially if it's something to do with the crossdressing. She needs to be heard and I'm in much bigger dodo if I don't give her that opportunity. Probably the best thing however that has helped our relationship is things that have been presented here on this list.. Often I have been able to use things said here to generate conversation in a slightly removed way. It has been seven years since I told her. There is still some anger and fear over the deception, but the more we talk, especially when she is mad at me about something I've done, the better off our marriage is. I am still not very good at it, the one thing that we still struggle with is what we refer to as the pink elephant in the living room that everyone pretends isn't there. But it does improve with time, patience, listening, and love.


My problem is my wife does not like the way I express myself in that it takes me awhile to formulate what I am going to say, 5 to 10 seconds or so, and she does not have enough patience to wait before she starts saying "Well" or just turning off on me and getting frustrated and angry and yelling.

There is a flood inside, and trying to piece it together in a cohesive way takes time for me.


Wow. I dunno, really. I mean, been there, done that. It was so hard to start talking to my ex about my feelings of being female. And I must say that was the door was open, our divorce, although about five years in the making, was inevitable. Now, two or three years after our divorce, we're good friends and share the kids and mutually respect each other as good moms. That this is how my life was transformed is truly a miracle! And it didn't look good for a while (about a year). She was angry, left town, took the kids and was trying to severe them from my life completely. She was broken. I was broken. You all get the idea. Summary - Be Brave! Be kind! Be forgiving! Be trusting!

Frankly, wives say they want their husband to "talk," but when they do and say something that frightens them or angers them because they see their husband in a light that isn't the man they married, it can lead to a lot of angry talk from them, and other negative consequences to the relationship, that the man was trying to avoid in the first place. Women have a strong feeling of "needing to know" in order to feel secure. But, the fact is, they want their husbands to talk...and say what makes them feel secure. The "truth" isn't always what they want to hear their husband say.

Btw...what we "say" in a given time can be taken as "gospel" by wives, but things can change, and once said, it's "out there" and can't be taken "back". If a husband is experimenting with his feelings, it's not "safe" to tell your wife everything if forever after what you say will be held against you. It's a strong relationship indeed where both partners can freely express whatever they like without disrupting their relationship. Perhaps one technique could be to clearly distinguish what things are communications that constitute a change in "stability issues" for the marriage affecting your long-term actions and plans, and what things are just "sharing feelings." Wives know about "feelings," but they're unaccustomed to their husbands sharing feelings as "just" feelings.

IMHO, a husband who shares a feeling is generally regarded as expressing a much stronger, more developed concept that the wife may "take to the bank," than a wife who is sharing her feeling de jour. Men, as a general class, do not function in a world of feelings like their wives. Their "feelings" are more about competitive achievement, sex, and as "defenders" of home and family. They're equipped hormonally for that, and wives expect that. When they start talking like women, or of "being" or acting like a woman, that's upsetting. Wives don't want their "champion" defending the castle of their home and family life, dressing and acting like the queen or princess. Is that rocket science???

If I were a wife, I'd sure want my "man" to "talk" too. Because it's a matter of insecurity. If he's sounding and acting like a woman, I want to know what's the problem and how do we "fix" it so I can feel secure again in a relationship where I can count on my man being predictable, strong, fighting for family and home in the economic battlefield, being strong for me when I feel emotional and soft, dependable for my children, and faithful to me as my sex partner. I don't want my husband to turn into the "other woman." I want to be the queen and princess of the house. I want my husband to be my king and champion. And if I see chinks in his armor, I want him to talk to me so I can know how I can help him to be who he "should" be. I don't want him to talk to me so I can be his lesbian lover, or "sister," or girlfriend. You bet I want him to talk, but he better tell me what I need to hear, or my alarms are going to go off and I'm going to feel insecure and start
looking for how to help my man "find himself" again, the man that I thought I married. But, if I find out or think that he was lying to me, that I was wrong all along, that I was fooled into marrying someone I thought was a knight and prince, and now I find out he was secretly a princess, I'm going to be embarrassed, shamed, and angered...and I'm going to go to my father...the defender of my honor, (if not really, then mentally) and ask him what to do. Dont think she won't.

You don't think men don't realize that they could be arguing this issue, not with their wife, but with the image of her father, and if he doesn't "measure up" to her father's strength that she depended on, the man who gave her away to him for safekeeping to love, honor, and some point she will make a decision in her mind. After that, your relationship will change. She won't be pursuing you to talk anymore. She sees you're not going to change. Her "support" and "love" will not make a difference. Her actions will begin to be about protecting her children "from" you, and about separating herself from you. Most men, if only intuitively, know this. That's why they don't "talk" about their feminine feelings.

Bottom your words you shall be God and your wife. Don't "say it" unless you're ready for the consequences. Maybe better to tell your wife, "I'm still considering my thoughts on this subject" than to "think out loud" with her and have it taken the wrong way. I think wives hold their husbands to a higher standard for their words than husbands do their wives.

TG Christian

I think that it would be most enlightening to know how the wives in question reacted to the news that their husbands were TG. Was there yelling, crying, reproach, blame, ect. ? Does it happen every time the subject is opened? Who wants to risk bringing that on?

Some CD's deal with the stress on a daily basis. Maybe their wives could take their favorite pastime/hobby and totally remove it from their daily existence, feigning disinterest whenever a related situation presents itself. How relaxing or enjoyable would they find that, I wonder.

I for one cannot assume that my wife wants to have it in her face every day and I certainly cannot read her mind as to when she would be receptive. She has far to many other stresses of her own. I have a responsibility to be a husband and father first, and playing therapist/patient with my wife comes WAY down on the list of priorities until such time as she decides bring it up. After all, daily life does go on. If a wife assumes that silence means that the issue has disappeared then they must indeed be satisfied with silence. That may not be good, but it is often true, regardless.

If spouses are not inclined to be a part of CDing then they are communicating their disdain (or at least indifference) for the practice. At this point a CD would almost certainly be inclined toward keeping the practice ...very... private.

The old secretive habits die hard..

TG Christian

I my experience women use many more words than men do anyway, so it might depend on whether the person was a CD or a TS. The problems facing the couple would be very different also. In my experience as a CD when my wife expressed the desire to talk I gave her my attention and asked her what she wanted to talk about. If she said my crossdressing or some aspect of it I asked her how she felt about it. What did she think would be a reasonable compromise? How could we work this difference out? I just kept getting her to talk about her feelings and what she thought needed to be done. I said very little, but did gently express my feelings. The majority of the time when my wife says we need to talk what she really means is that she needs to talk and I need to really hear and understand what she is saying. Often she sees how one sided she has become before I ever say anything, and is very open to working something out. The key is giving her my complete attention.

At least this is the starting place.

TG Christian

First off, thank you to all of you that responded to my last message. Second, I was sitting here with my wife talking about the latest
discussion about silence. She was recalling when I told her about my CD'ing and had only one thing to say about this subject re:
wives/girlfriends that don't want to talk about the subject or feel the need to talk to others instead. I am writing this part for her...
WHY?????? What is the problem????? As long as he still loves you and wants to be with you, what is the problem???? Why is it a big
deal? If he's stretching out your clothes, tell him to get his own.
Or, better yet, you might just get an extra wardrobe...... What could be bad about that? How great is it to have a husband that loves to shop and see all the new trends and things that are out. Make a day of it and buy each other some things like buy each other a pair of shoes or some earrings.

This is my first post. I have been a member but have mainly sat back
and observed.

I am fortunate to be married to a woman who accepts my transgenderedness. She did not know about Denise before we were married and I slowly let her know about me. I do recall some of the conversations in the early days. She was concerned about how far this would all go.

Based on what I have read about many who are CD, there are cycles of purging that take place. It seems that each time the need to dress comes back it is a bit stronger - I have a need to push the envelope a bit. (Tomorrow my wife and I are going to be gone for four days while grandma watches our kids. I have an appointment for a makeover and I plan to dress full time. I have never done this before but I am looking forward to it!)

My wife did not sign on for all of this and yet accepts me anyway. In the early days, she was fearful as to how far this would all go. Did I want to be female? Was I attracted to men? There is a lot of trust in the marriage and it is quite an investment in the future. I
understand how some of my actions could threaten her future and therefore cause anxiety.

Over the almost 20 years we have been married, she has come to understand me more and has been more at ease.

I agree with ___ that there are many benefits. It gives me a warm feeling when I see my wife wearing one of my skirts to work!

Thanks for listening

Last modified: 12/24/13