Second
Spirit
Some of my first memories are of being “different,” of
not fitting in. I did not get along with my male peers. I was not interested in competitive male things, baseball,
football, etc. I am
still not. I got along
better with the girls and enjoyed more cooperative activities.
My first memory of cross-dressing was a silk slip that I
found in a trunk. It
was a peach color and felt so fantastic.
That was about five or six.
There were of course many other incidents but I will not bore
you with them. They
felt so right, and yet guilt was a part of the experience.
Through elementary and junior high school I was with great
regularity in fights. I
have a very slow burn temper, but when the fuse hits the end, the
explosion is truly spectacular, hysterical strength is probably the
best way to describe it.
In first grade, I broke a kid’s elbow I was being bullied and
I deliberately bent it the wrong way and pushed.
I learned early to fight to disable.
That way they did not have a chance to hurt me. During
this time, I developed a shell a pseudoself to protect that
sensitive self, that easily hurt me, that second self.
In junior high
(middle school), the frequency of fights increased.
I was 6’2” and every short testosterone-enriched teen
male seemed to feel that they had to prove their masculinity by
beating on my kneecaps. The
dean (and my mother and father) knew that I never started any of the
fights and would give me 50 push-ups and would give the other kid
detention, thereby improving my punch.
Lest you think I came out unscathed, I still have problems
hearing in one ear that had the eardrum burst.
Due to the constant fights, my parents decided to send me to
a private boarding high school, owned by the Presbyterian Church in
Utah.
During high school and college I was not crossdressing much, but she
was there in the background throughout.
During college I was seeking something.
It was the late sixties.
Who wasn’t? I
did not know that it was a God-shaped hole.
I had been raised in the Presbyterian Church and always
thought of myself as a Christian, but just because you stand in the
garage does not make you a Ford.
I do not ever remember anyone saying there was anything you
had to actually do to become a Christian, and I wasn’t.
I looked for something to fill that hole in my life.
I had had a comparative religion course in high school, and
through a number of years of college, I became involved in the
occult.
During this time I went to a coffeehouse run by a Christian
college where I met an intelligent, good-looking redhead (though I
did not know that she was a redhead till our first date [too dark]
). The first time we
held hands was at the Renaissance Faire in Agoura, California.
We dated and discussed.
She brought up John 14:6, “Jesus saith unto him, I am the
way, the truth, and the life, no man cometh unto the Father but by
me.” This was hard to
argue with. That night
I prayed and accepted Christ as my Savior.
The God-shaped hole was filled.
The salvation experience was amazing.
I proposed, she accepted.
(There was a seven month period in-between) I am persistent.
I was not CDing at this point and thought that my second
self would disappear with marriage.
Most of us make the same assumption.
She did not, and during college she acquired a name, Sandra.
It felt right!
Through twenty-five years of marriage, there were times when
she was very much in the background, sometimes driven there by guilt
and the sense that it was sinful.
There were a couple of purges when I would get rid of the few
things I had acquired (I still regret one pair of shoes that really
fit) and I prayed for God to take it away.
I would rather be nothing than this.
Just taking communion was a painful experience “knowing”
that I was sinning by having to dress.
The consequences of not dressing were devastating.
It wasn’t until I got onto the internet that I found out
that there were only two verses that were used to condemn us, Deut.
22:5 and I Cor. 6:9. There
was quite a bit of information that indicated there were some
problems with the way God’s Word had been translated. This was largely through the web site of Jade Devlin and the
group Transgendered Christians for which she is responsible.
I was able to connect with other T* Christians who had been
able to go back to the original Greek and Hebrew.
It was at this time, in May, 1998, that I told my wife that I
was T*. This was
followed by three days of tears.
Thanks to the material that I had found through the internet,
I was able to answer her questions and to assure her that I was
definitely heterosexual and that I still loved her, and that this
was not going to go away. We
talked for a very long time. I
had been moved to second shift at work, so we had that time. We spent hours each day for months in discussion.
This was God’s timing.
A few months before, I would not have known what to say.
Some weeks after I told her, we were in bed early one morning
talking about how most of us are born of pain and suffering our
guilt and separation from God, or, influenced by those that do not
know that being T* is not inherently sinful.
At that point the guilt and pain that I, and many of my
sisters, really hit me; and I wept for us all.
This was second only to my salvation experience in feeling.
Since that time, Sandra has been a constant part of me as well
as my male self. (Talk
about a unique insight to the Trinity!)
There have been some very radical changes.
I now tend to be more emotional, loving, and communicative.
My wife was rather offended that I had lied to her for that
long, but understands that it was out of the fear of
losing her that I did. On
top that was the persistent feeling that it was inherently sinful so
I was not dealing with it at all well and why on earth would I want
to share that with her. She understands that the reason I did not tell here about my second
self prior to marriage is that I felt that it would go away with
marriage. So there has
been a period where I have rebuilt that trust.
I much prefer telling her the truth.
What a relief, what a luxury being able to share my feelings!
Reality hit when she found out that my second self had a
name, she was reading one of my replies to someone on the TG
Christian list
and saw the signature. I
understand that from that point she realized that there really was a
second spirit involved.
I still find that both sides of my personality are present.
I am more comfortable with myself and Nancy. I am more physically and emotionally demonstrative and loving
with her and others. Things
have in general settled down a lot.
T* issues tend to be a secondary topic of discussion.
Nancy is slowly becoming more comfortable with the whole idea
in general and with seeing Sandra dressed in specific.
Three factors are involved.
Time: She has
met in person some of the people who were on the CDSO list.
Primarily we have found a Tri-Ess group in Lansing that we
are comfortable with (Lambda Mu).
This includes a number of Christians with very similar
backgrounds and concerns.
- Up date 8-28-01
Not
too long ago I realized that I now feel being T* is a gift.
It is because of that difference that I have been able to be of
help to others. There are opportunities to speak and writing has
been an interesting experience.
So many times I will write something and not really know
why, and I will get a note that it had spoken to a need.
Recently I sent a note to Jane Elle
Fairfax (Tri-Ess) suggesting that there should be an outreach to
seminaries. This was the result of trying to deal with a couple of
pastors on behalf of a couple of sisters who were asked to leave
their church. My thinking was that the place to address the
problem is before they gain preconceived ideas. Hmm can you form a
preconceived idea, well you get the idea. My idea was that this
should also include the rest of the T* community as this is a
problem not only for CD’s. To make a long story short I seem to
have volunteered to head the program!
On a more personal note my wife is
becoming more accepting, (up from tolerant), and sees that this is
very much a ministry and that she can help. Lambda-Mu is growing
and we have close
friends in a way I have never been able to before.
Update 1/10/02
Last year was a trip! I had two opportunities to speak.
Once at SPICE the Tri-Ess wives conference, and at Southern Comfort the
largest gender conference in the world. The topics were largely Christian and
of course lots of the historical and cultural from the pages you find here in
the web. SCC was the first time for me out in public, my overwhelming feeling
was being completely comfortable as Sandra for four days. My room mate Sarah
was a good match, we are both early risers and went out to breakfast together.
The greatest thrill was the feeling of being used by God!
Update 7/1/02
Be All was a great experience, I roomed with Laura Walker
a good friend from Toledo it was a trip. I am getting some good statistical
data from the telling Children questionnaire and have posted the results. I
did a ground up re working of the web site some new pages and just making
things neater.
Update 1/8/03
Monday I start classes in, don't laugh too hard,
Mental Health on the way to a Masters and Counseling. Lots has been happening
with all the up dates I am beginning to think I really need to re do this
whole page so I will keep this short Southern Comfort was also fantastic
seeing friends some of whom I have never met in person.
Update 3/4/03
The statistics class is, because of my poor math skills
extremely difficult but I am learning a lot. The other classes are going OK to
very well. I am out to most of my teachers and some of my class mates and have
had not problems and lots of questions.
Update 10/26/03
Been a while since I did an up date, I took two summer
classes both masters level. the first was in counseling theory and the second
was in group counseling techniques. This compresses a whole semester into six
weeks. I figured it was 1500 pages of reading and three fifteen page papers. I
did nothing for the six weeks but study! I had the opportunity to learn a LOT
and it is of help. I also got to know the department head who is interested in
Transgender issues and even loaned her a couple of books. The material from
the philosophy class fit in very well with the theories class and it is all
reinforcing itself. So much of this is related in ways I find fascinating.
SCC this year was as usual a blast One of the goals I
went down with was to talk with the guys (female to male) and had the
opportunity to talk with a couple of very neat gentlemen. I talked with Carl
Trip from about 11PM to 3AM Saturday to Sunday morning. It was a mutual
exchange of information.
Update 5/29/05
I think I lost a couple of up dates some
where. OH well. I have had a couple of major changes of
direction the BA program in counseling was dropped and we were
encouraged to shift in to the the social work program (leads to
an LSW) , their thinking was that a BA in counseling gets you
about the same thing as a BA in anthropology which I have, (do
you want fries with that sir). Funny thing I find it a much
better fit, it is much more activist. It is much more an
integration of many different disciplines. I am in the honors
program and working with a professor on an innovative way of
teaching diversity. I have been able to speak (as Sandra) to the
OCSWE conference (teachers and students in social work). I hope
to do a similar program at the national CSWE conference in
Chicago and of course SCC. There are a number of pages on the
web site that were class papers [ya might as well get credit]
i.e. the paper on reparative therapy.
Just remember, You are not alone!
Feel free to write.
Love
Sandra Stewart.
I have
been blessed with a number of very special friends on the internet
and in person I will mention Kathy, Jade. Jeanne,
Heather Jae, Nancy, Darcy, Jane Ellen, Tessa, Sharon, Davy and so many others who make me not so alone.
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