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Justification and Rationale 

Recently I asked why JoEllen (her femme name) was so interested in finding a pair of elbow length gloves in shocking pink. After all, she doesn’t have a shocking pink gown, nor does she go anyplace where elbow length gloves are appropriate. The answer I was given was, “She’s a CD. You can’t just ask a crossdresser to justify anything. They just can’t do that!” We both had a laugh, and then I got to thinking about it. It’s true. You can’t ask a crossdresser to justify anything. Recently I was told that my crossdresser needed new breast forms. “Why is that?” I had the audacity to ask. My response was that the ones she has are “too big.” Well, I can certainly understand that! After all, I have spent the majority of my life complaining about the same thing. But to go out and simply purchase a smaller pair...I don’t have that option. Nor do I have the option of several pairs to swap around to make a particular outfit look better. I think I could justify “smaller boobs” based on health factors, but the justification I got from my CD-ing hubby was just that “hers are too big.” Another one I love is the justification for more than one wig. Wait just a minute here. I have one head, and it has one hair style and one color. I wear it everyday. I have to make sure that it is appropriate for whatever my activity is going to be. But “she” can justify that she needs a shorter one for sporty outfits, an “up-do” for fancy balls, and a mid length one for day wear. Oh, and yes, the ash blonde does go so much better with the blue 3-piece dress than the Sunset Red one! Give me a break! This is a CD-er’s justification for buying multiple wigs? I heard another one recently. A girlfriend of mine received some cast-off’s from the CD-er’s wardrobe. When presented with these, my friend innocently asked if they no longer fit. What did this dear hubby say to his wife? “They have a flaw and “she” would never wear anything that wasn’t perfect.” But he could justify giving them to his wife! Do you see what is wrong with this picture? The wife was wanting to justify why the clothing was being donated. The husband’s justification was flawed....as well as the clothing!  

Maybe this is the crux of the difficulties wives have in accepting the crossdressing in their lives. They are looking for justification and rationale where none exists. And the crossdresser is looking to escape the justification and rationale that dictates his everyday life. He wants to do this “just because it feels good,” and she is asking why do you want to do that? She is looking for the justification and rationale of wearing high heels when she knows that they are uncomfortable. He is looking for the experience without the need for justification and rationale. She’s dying to get out of that skirt and into a comfy jogging suit. He just “wants” to feel a silky slip against smooth nylon legs. She just can’t shed the need to justify....and the CD-er cannot justify the desire, let alone the behavior.  

Can any of us justify why we like the taste of a creamy, drippy ice cream cone on a hot day? Or the soft pink of a fading sunset over the lake? The spicy scent of spring warmed lilacs? Do we have to justify those things? No, they just are. They need no justification, no rationale. We wives need to understand that, truly, the crossdresser cannot justify why she feels the way she does. She cannot explain why she feels the need to wear feminine apparel. She cannot justify the behavior. And we need to accept that...just as we can not justify all our likes and dislikes. There is not a crossdresser out there that would not tell us “why?” if they could. But they can’t. Most of them have struggled with this for years. They have seen therapists. They have read tons of literature. But no one can tell them “why?” 

Let’s learn a little from this and allow ourselves, both of us, to feel free to express a desire, a want, without having to justify it. Hum...I don’t need it, but I sure would like to have a new diamond ring. No justification. No rationale. No feelings of frustration at having to make excuses. That feels pretty good. Wouldn’t we all feel just a little better if we could remove the stigma of justification and rationale?

Carol Leigh

Last modified: 12/24/13