Feghoots
Home Up

 

These are all examples of feghoots not T* related but my favorite type of joke. I like them because they are clean!

 

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one

carrion allowed per passenger."

 

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields

and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

kayak and heat it, too.

 

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about

an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't

stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family

in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her

husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but

they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest

and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them

laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

11. As one frog said to the other, "how time is fun when you are having flies".

 

12. There once was a pitcher named Phil Mamie who pitched for the Cubs in Chicago. now Phil had a penitent for having a beer prior to a game. the are in Milwaukee one Saturday and Phil as was his habit went to have a Beer. Well it ended up being more than just one, or two.

In the game Phil who is a bit sloshed walks player after player and after the game one of the Milwaukee player says "it was the beer that made Phil Mamie walk us"!

 

13.There were two men painting a church and they were getting to the end of the job and they were starting to run out of paint so since they were using latex paint (water soluble) they decided to water it down to make it last  so they added some water and finished the job. didn't look real good so the decided to thin it out a bit more and go over it again where upon they heard a voice from on high that said "repaint and thin no more".

 

14. What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

 

15. Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.
When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do). Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was: "A niche in time saves Stein." Isaac Asimov

 

16. Mars Colonization (c) Spider Robinson
In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived. This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, "It couldn't," and squatted down again. "Migod," exclaimed the xenobiologist. "Of course! It only stands to reason."
 

17.The Warring Tribe

There was a fierce warring tribe in Africa which would take the throne of the defeated chief and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. At home, they would put the throne in the attic of the communal grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.

One day they defeated a tribe of fairly large people, some might call them giants, and they struggled to get the throne home. When they got home, they held the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was just too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone in the tribe. Which is why we say, "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

 

Last modified: 12/24/13