Gae came to my attention with a pamphlet I picked up. But
it was only when a Tri-Ess member asked if anyone had read her book and that
chain of events is here. I wanted to add responses from others as well as from
the individual that has probably lost a marriage as a direct result of this
marriage. I am also going to include email exchanges with Gae.
the problems I have with the likes of Hall is the notion that if they don't like
something (or more precisely find something to be disgusting) they feel that
they must appeal to a higher authority to justify themselves. I am actually OK
with wives who are honest about their distaste for TGs even if it is their
husbands. What I am not OK with is the notion that because it can't work for
them, that it can't (and shouldn't) work for anyone else either.
An enormous amount of life is wasted trying to explain why one's view of life is
ordained by God and someone else's isn't. Joan Roughgarden's 2004 book,
"Evolution's Rainbow" is an excellent book that examines the gender bent world
of mammals, fish and birds, in addition to humans. Her thesis is simply that
nature has created a stunningly complex and diverse universe of living
creatures, and that can (and should) be celebrated.
What a shame (some would say a sin) that so many like Hall reject the
extraordinary world around as evil or flawed. It is amazing and beautiful.
Let me give a
little more background on Gae Hall and my perspective on the book.
Gae was married to a man for 10 years and had 2 children with him. After 10
years he fully transitioned to be a female.
Gae appears to be very bitter and has a personal agenda to push. She is
using her position as a preacher to push this agenda.
The book is very hard to read as the Bible is quoted out of context. She
believes that anyone who is involved with Trans activities has fallen to the
Devil and the Devil is now controlling actions. Gae also believes that the more
we are involve in presenting as female, our brains become chemically rewired and
it is difficult to undo that process. She encourages wives of Transgendered men
to take a stand, set boundaries, require accountability including an
accountability partner who is probably a member of the clergy and be prepared
for divorce if the husband does not comply with the boundaries.
This is the email sent to Gae by the individual that was
harmed and her reply, unfortunately the damage has already been done.
Just wanted to let you know that your book ended my marriage. I am a
crossdresser. I do not wish to transition. I am not taking hormones. I do not
dress in front of my wife. I do not dress for family events. I do not bring my
female self to the bedroom. My wife read your book and views it as the ultimate
authority on religion and crossdressing. She followed your advice in chapter 9
and told me to quit, go to a real counselor, and get an accountability partner.
I told her I would not and she said she was done. I am so glad that the true
"Believers" can judge and condemn us. In my opinion God is the only Judge and
what ever is to come to me will come on Judgment day by him and nobody else.
Thank you for contacting me with feedback on my book. It
is important that I hear the comments from people who have read my book so that
I may ensure it is understood correctly. Thank you also for explaining your
situation with your marriage. I am pleased to hear that you show significant
respect to your wife by setting your own boundaries and sticking to them. While
I have no knowledge for how long cross-dressing has been a feature of your
marriage I feel that your wife has responded too hastily. I addressed this in
“I recognise that not every wife will set a boundary of
total abstinence from all cross-dressing. In corroboration with a prayer partner
or a wise Christian friend, a wife may decide to permit some level of
cross-dressing, if the wife believes her husband is able to control himself
sufficiently to remain at that level. I’ll give an example. It may be that a
husband desires to wear women’s knickers under his male clothes. This is a habit
that only his wife knows about. The husband may have no desire to wear women’s
clothing at other times, and be quite content to remain at this level of
cross-dressing. His willingness to remain at this level gives the wife an
opportunity to pray for him, just as she would pray over any other weakness he
may have. It is when cross-dressing or other trans-gender behaviours become
detrimental to the spiritual, emotional or physical wellbeing of family members
that more decisive measures need be taken.
While I believe cross-dressing is a sin that must be
resisted, it is true that a husband may well point out some sinful areas in his
wife’s life. It is a blessing to help each other to become more pleasing to God,
whether it is by turning from pride, greed, arrogance – or the habits associated
with the trans-gender condition” (p 303).
Under the circumstances you describe, in which you have
established your own boundaries and are willing to remain within them, I would
not recommend separation nor divorce. As communicated above I recommend that
your wife continue in prayer with a trusted friend and that you also pray for
those areas in which your wife may need growth and repentance. As outlined
earlier I do not believe that your situation has become detrimental to the
spiritual emotional or physical wellbeing of your wife, unless you are
attempting to convince her that your trans-gender behaviour is morally neutral
or aligned with Christian living. While your wife may desire you to go to a
‘real counsellor’, by which I suppose she means a ‘Christian counsellor’ and get
an accountability partner, these a good practices for any practicing Christian
regardless of whether they struggle with trans-genderism. She too may benefit
from seeing a Christian counsellor and having an accountability partner.
If your wife considers me to be an authority on religion
and cross-dressing perhaps she could communicate directly with me. At this
stage I would encourage her to pray for your cross-dressing habit, just as she
would pray for any other weakness that exists in your marriage, and remain
committed to strengthening and healing your marriage. A significant portion of
chapter nine revolves around working towards reconciliation. In fact, I based
the five points in chapter nine on Bishop Frank Retief’s book “Divorce”:
This book is primarily concerned with reconciliation –
how the brokenness of a damaged marriage might be brought together again – and
over and over again Retief advised unceasing prayer to the God and Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ should undergird all efforts to bring reconciliation.
Retief outlined five lines of action a wife might take
in order to create a climate of reconciliation, these being:
Censure unacceptable behaviour
Make conditions for reconciliation
Allow time apart for reflection, repentance and change
Pray for reconciliation
Do what is right
Bearing in mind the five elements listed above, and the
need for unceasing prayer, let us now consider how a wife who has been
confronted by her husband’s cross-dressing or other trans-gender habits – and
has been deeply hurt by them – might work towards reconciliation. (p 299)
I very deeply desire that your marriage be restored and
healed. Please keep in mind that often when wives are shocked and overwhelmed
that their marriage is struggling they will, in desperation, act hastily at
whatever advice they find. As stated in my Action Plan of chapter 10, I believe
consultation with an older mature Christian woman is the first step in working
towards reconciliation in a marriage that is struggling. If your wife carefully
read chapter nine she would have discovered that actions such as separation only
take place when boundaries have been repeatedly broken (page 310). This does
not seem to be the case in your situation.
I welcome your wife to contact me directly if she desires.
I am confident she still desires for your marriage to be restored so that it is
strong, healthy and mutually uplifting.
Yours in Christ,
Last modified: 12/04/13